Hello, old friend

When posting on Instagram and Facebook seem like a cop out or a ploy for attention, sometimes just writing in this space is more “appropriate”. At least to me.

But it has been a long time and there is so much I could choose to write about – my triathlon training and half Ironman experience over the past 9 months, personal growth moments, family stuff, relationship things… but over the past few days there’s really only one thing I feel like I need to express and be done with.

Why I didn’t report.

• I was too young
• I had waited too long
• I didn’t want to embarrass my family
• I didn’t want to hurt anyone
• I didn’t know what was going on
• I didn’t want to make anyone sad or angry
• I was ashamed
• I told myself it didn’t matter/wasn’t reportable because I wasn’t physically or visibly harmed
• I was drunk
• He was nice in school
• I didn’t know the difference between positive/consensual sexual attention and negative/unwanted/aggressive/nonconsensual sexual attention
• I thought I had to acquiesce to every boy/man’s advances
• I was hyper sexualized at an age too young to disclose, even here, so any sexual encounter I had as an adult or young adult was “normal”
• I would be slut shamed
• Because I thought my boobs made me an easy target

And when I did report..when I was a kid.. nothing came of it. Nothing changed.

These are just the first to come to mind as I’m writing this. Sorry mom if this is hard for you to read. I did disclose to someone much later on, and while I did make the conscious and personal choice to move forward as I’ve learned more about what happened – both  about the person who first abused me and how they learned to abuse  – I can’t say that I have compassion, but more of a sense of closure. It doesn’t make what happened OK, or how that shaped my decision-making and thought processes later on OK, but as of today in this moment I am OK. It pains me deeply to see nearly every single female in my social network come forward with their stories, their experiences with rape, sexual abuse, molestation. We only see the reports in the news when the accused are people of influence, but it’s incredibly naive to think that these occurrences don’t happen closer to home. They DEFINITELY do. And because of my experiences I definitely believe women who come forward. I believe them because I know the strength and bravery it takes to do so. I know this because I didn’t have it- and still don’t because I still haven’t confronted anyone who I have had a negative sexual history with. I believe victims shouldn’t have to prove their story, but the accused prove their innocence.  And that is my truth.

The people who do report, it’s not opportunistic. It’s not a pleasurable or validating or relieving experience. How could retelling any traumatic experience do that? It’s just not how it works. But once the choice is made to disclose, it is done fully, without regret, with full heart. And then the healing starts all.over.again. And for every person who’s experienced abuse of any kind – physical emotional, sexual, mental – they can all agree. Even after disclosing it doesn’t get easier, the memories aren’t wiped away, the triggers are still there, you don’t get a clean slate. One can only hope they were not just listened to and looked at, but heard and seen as a human being who had a horrible wrong does to them, whose body and brain will literally never be the same. A wrong that may never be righted, a wrong that may never be justified. Once the body is harmed against its will, the central nervous system changes, the brain-body connection is rewired. And depending on the person and if/when any steps are taken to heal, they will have longer and longer lasting effects. I can’t remember where I put my watch last night but I can tell you with 100% certainty the people in the room, what I was wearing, what the room looked like, how old I was, who the person was every single time. Those moments are forever burned into my nervous system. That is why I know Dr.Christine Blasey Ford is telling the truth. I don’t just believe her. This isn’t a choice to believe or not believe in something like God, The Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, or if UFOs are real. My experiences have shaped my reality and my truth, just like anyone reading this. Doesn’t make a different reality more right than mine. Just provides context that just because you may not agree, doesn’t mean the other person is wrong in stating what they know to be true.

 

 

Discipline Your Disappointment

Oh hello old blog. I’ve missed you. Of course, I haven’t been prioritizing the time to write, either. But you haven’t been far from my mind, so I hope you don’t mind my absence.

Last entry dated… January 6, 2017…..? Well, almost 7 months later, there’s a lot to catch up on and say, but for now I’ll keep with what inspired me to come back to this page.

I came across a video titled “Discipline your Disappointment” just now and that struck a huge cord with me. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with not adhering to the life/training schedule I set for myself, something that, in my mind, is very stick-to-able. I’m finding it hard to keep myself accountable. I thought I had become accustomed to time-blocking and using the whole “if it’s not written down it’s not a priority” way of thinking. But the last time I checked I was able to select the captcha that says “click if you’re not a robot”, so human imperfections will prevail occasionally. This is one of those occasional times. Side note, I just went through about 11 corrections of trying to spell “occasionally”: occaisonally, ocaissonally, occaissonally. This word is disorienting.

Moving on.

What I’ve learned recently is that even when I miss a workout or an event or something that’s marked on my calendar, that eventually -sooner than later- to pick back up and carry on. I missed three major training workouts this week. Which sucks. And getting back in the pool will be very unpleasant next week, but that’s the bed I made and I must lie in it. By the way, does anyone understand that saying?? What if I want to lay on the floor or the couch and leave my perfectly tucked in bed alone?

Disciplining my disappointment means seeing where I took myself off course and intentionally placing myself back on schedule. It means not staying in a place of lament or self-loathing or giving up entirely just because I’ve gone awry from the plan. Plans change, life happens and our “plans” get unplanned pretty quickly. All we can control is our response. If we are making changes in our diet, say, cutting out dairy or sugar, and we are SO GOOD and eat PERFECTLY for 11 days then on day 12 we eat a pizza and have ice cream for dessert, that doesn’t mean your 11 days have been all for naught. That doesn’t mean you’ve magically and instantaneously undone your intentions and efforts and mindset from the last week and a half. It means you’re human. And if removing cheese and sugar from your diet are IMPORTANT to you, because you know it will make you feel BETTER, then you get back to doing the things, prioritizing the things, that make you feel the way you want to feel so you can live the way you want to live. Whether it’s diet, family time, hobbies, sleep, exercise, work, travel, relationships; we make time for what we prioritize. What we prioritize we plan for, we schedule, we write it down, we budget. Time is our most precious non-life dependent resource, and how we utilize it, how we run our days instead of letting our days run us, how we act/think/feel/are in our 16-18 hours is crucial to our feeling productive, purposeful, and positive.

I don’t know why it’s easier to feel sad, depressed. I don’t know why it’s easier to sit on the couch and scroll through Facebook or mindlessly eat fistfuls of chips while watching commercials in between TV dramas. I don’t know why it’s easier to live in a space of self-pity, self-loathing, when all that does is bring in more negative. We have nothing to gain from those default, easy patterns. I guess when you look at it from the stand point of a seed that’s been blown or picked off of a tree it makes a bit more sense. That seed has to land and, before it is eaten by a woodland animal, must then be planted by either a hiker’s foot, falling rock, or other animal treading the earth. The spot where it becomes lodged has to have nutrients in the soil in order for the seed to sprout. It also needs to have water, but not too much or  it may become dislodged or drowned. Oh, and sun of course, the seed must have sunlight, but again not too much. And over time, provided no major weather or unearthing of the seed occur, the seed develops into a tree. The odds of that are fantastically against that of the seed, and yet with all odds stacked against it, it does the only thing it knows to do: change. All of the changes the seed must undergo require tons of energy and resources. Growing into a tree is anything but easy. Simple, perhaps, but not easy. If it were easy every seed produced would become a tree… and climate change might be a very different conversation right now. Making changes, much less sustaining them, is also far from easy. But then we wouldn’t be able to thicken our roots and grow our branches or yield fruit.

Why

I took myself to a movie tonight and one of the opening lines was, “what is your why?” I’ve been seeing this question come up a lot lately. And I’ll be honest, I haven’t taken the time to thoroughly answer it, not even silently to myself in my own head. Why do I do what I do? Why do I choose the clothes I put on my body each day? Why am I marching in just a couple of weeks for the Woman’s March on DC?  Why why why why. Two year olds are fascinated with this word, or probably more fascinated with the frustration they’re met with due to the incessant questioning. I feel like so often we just do things. We don’t think about them, we don’t pay attention to our choices. So I don’t find it at all surprising when we finally have our eyes open and we get angry or flustered because we’re like, “hey! I don’t like this!” But eventually we close our eyes and once again we just start wandering around just letting things happen in and around us that we don’t like but also don’t want to take the time to think about. We just accept certain situations as part of our reality and don’t ever think we can change them. I call it Eeyore Syndrome. Other people call it entitled victimization. It’s how we are in relationships, it’s how we’ve treated our role in “democracy”, it’s our general rule of engagement – or disengagement, rather. Why does anyone want to live like this? That’s one why I want answered. I’ve spent a lot, most of, this blog ripping apart the connective tissue of my life’s events and the machinery of my brain. Putting one rhetorical question after another into the datasphere, and not for anyone to answer, just to help me bring some insight to my own life, how I am in my life, how I respond. I’m just getting to know me again. For so long I only knew me as I was in relation to other people. I wore many hats and masks – and a couple of hair colors- but I didn’t know me. More importantly I didn’t want to. I guess I’ve figured out that these questions of how usually yield answers that come from linear, retraceable steps. The hows provide the framework. But it’s in the questions of why give where we feel the depth, see the infiniteness, find the space for growth. If the how is the pot the why is the nutrients in the soil. And while now my hair color is certainly not what I was born with, I feel more like me with it. So to get around to it, I guess my why started with you. You showed me what it was like to love with every single thing I had in me and how it felt in me to love you, and if I could do that for someone else, I could definitely love myself 100000x more than that. And once I started loving me that much, well, everything else changed. That self-love drug is a powerful one, y’all. Once you get that in your system, answering your why gets a LOT easier lemmetellyou.

My brother who seems to navigate fearlessly and openly through his 20s. My mom who gets more brave every day. My grandparents who journey the globe in their late 70s. My best friend who celebrates my fortunes and my failures, my heartbreaks and hallelujahs. My college best friend who supported me as we tried our damnedest to do everything wrong. My spiritual guide Suzanne who has been an invaluable piece in my journey puzzle. The conversations I’ve tried to have with my family about healthy living and dispelling myths around that lifestyle especially after my dad started treatments for cancer. Experiencing first hand what it feels like to put in all of the best nutrients in my body and see how I physically, mentally, and emotionally respond. Having clients who come to see me for their continued pursuit of feeling their best. Loving Myself, my well-being, my future. Oh and of course my furry feline companion…don’t laugh!

These are my WHY. 

What’s yours?

 

Elipses

New moon and a new menstrual cycle, how lucky am I? (cue deep sarcasm)… natural shedding of old to rebuild and create anew, waning into full expression and knowing… feeling like I need to give even more even though I don’t know how or what it would look like… feeling the life force sort of drain out of me… wishing I knew what it felt like to receive what I give.  Feeling like most of what I have is superficial, not even skin deep. Just laying there and very easy to peel off or cover up, to exchange or totally dispel. Finding it really hard to be myself or connect with anyone. People I once connected with, it has changed into something I don’t recognize, which leaves me feeling very alone, discarded. Or maybe I’m the one doing the discarding. I can’t tell. Feeling afraid of my vulnerabilities; feeling see-through but also unseen because if you see right through me you can’t actually see me, can you? A part of me just wants to tidy everything up, make it look perfect and leave a note on my door and see how long it would take for anyone to notice I’m gone – not gone as in dead just gone as in bye. I hate the idea of going through the motions. Clearly I’m here to make waves, to disrupt the flow, because it seems to come all too naturally to me. I’ve disrupted the dynamic in many areas of my life. I didn’t do what I was “supposed” to, or say the things I was “supposed” to. Quite the opposite, actually. And I’m ok with that, I suppose. And while I own and love the life I have created and continue to create, in spite those who oppose every choice I’ve made, I do not feel satisfied. I do not feel proud of what I’ve created because I’m still seeking the approval of those who are not proud of me. I’ve said it many times before this, but I’m still craving, still searching for, still needing a profound human connection. I see the way it’s talked about in documentaries, written about in books. But I want to feel it for myself. I want to nestle up against and just know, that yes, finally, this is it. Where is it? Where do I find it? Is it in all the wrong places or do I have to go through all of my trash first? It’s always in the last place you look or you’ll find it when you’re not looking for it- pick your cliche.

What you seek in the universe is seeking you

God, I hope that’s true. Actually, I really do believe that it is. But what if you don’t know exactly what you’re seeking, then is something still seeking you? Or must we reach clarity and know what we want before we can receive it? I guess so. Let’s see.. I find numerical patterns interesting so once I realized what today was my mind kind of freaked out for a second.

1 year ago today I reconnected in a deep and special way to a now very distant and estranged person

7 months ago today I returned home from a trip to visit that person

8 weeks ago today I returned home from Spain where I emotionally and mentally let go of said person

What do you know.. 1+7 =8. That’s not weird. Oh, and it’s 8/10/16. 8=1+0+1+6. SERIOUSLY????

8 is also symbolic of the infinity symbol, which is my personal favorite. Ok moving on. So, August 10th, huh? Ok.

Today I was finally able to put into words about what I am personally seeking. Let me start off by saying again that alcohol-less lifestyle has put a brand new lens on my life. My anxiety has reduced tremendously, I am more receptive and open to pretty much all things, all I want to do is connect with people on a human, non-romantic, honest level, and I am very content with where my life is currently, feeling like I don’t need anything more than what I have right now in this moment. I am truly at peace and very, very happy. Now, more than ever, I am seeking understanding of why people do what they do, say what they say, and act how they act. And while I am very much at peace with me, I still find myself very confused by those whose path I cross. People don’t make sense to me right now. For the first time in my life I’m finding myself very un-relateable, unsympathetic, and also unreachable. I guess what this really comes down to is a deep disconnection of self from the outside world. That is the first time I’ve put that into words…I suppose that based on what I am seeking now, true human connection, has me as more of an energetic conduit than a storage locker. Events that used to cause me huge distress now pass like a wave over me. The other day I literally felt someone walk through me. It felt like the way that sci-fi movies show people walking through walls, all wobbly, and the way it feels like when a semi-truck drives by you and you have your windows down, a huge gust of wind. Totally sounds nuts, I know, but that’s what it felt like. Three weeks or so later I had an even more eerie experience with another stranger that I definitely cannot describe other than it felt like I sensed her disturbed, cold and hollow energy. But whatever it was chilled me to my core… man I’d give anything for my apartment to be cool. Damn AC broke and my poor long-haired cat is a squatter so  I can’t call my landlord. Thank God it won’t be hot for too much longer…I hope.. but I digress.

Back to this connection piece. I feel like I was finally able to let go of aforementioned person thanks to the connection I made with someone else. Not to say that one replaced the other, but one definitely helped with the healing process. I met that person in Spain and when I landed in Denver I felt a deep and uplifting sense of freedom, so light and airy I swear my feet left the ground for a moment, even with a 20lb pack on my back. What was so amazing is the effortlessness with which it came into and changed my life. *Poof* changed. So simple. With the previous person, as it had been our entire 13 year history, had been about convenience, or inconvenience depending on how you spin it. We never shared the same intention. His intentions for me served a more immediate and convenient purpose, and mine were about the big picture. But that’s men and women for you. But to set an intention to follow up, to pursue, to maintain as we change, that changes as we change also- that’s something else. That’s something bigger. Setting an intention, that’s like making a promise to create and hold space for moments that you have acknowledged are significant, without restrictions of time or expectation of outcome. It’s a promise to honor your truest self.

And where I’m finding myself questioning now is what in the hell do I really want? I’ve received more compliments in the recent weeks on my beauty, my eyes, my capacity for genuine emotion and gentle honesty, than in my entire life. I mean, this is happening multiple times a day. I don’t really know what to do with all of this other than say thank you, smile, and change the subject. Quickly. I don’t want the compliments or the remarks on my looks.. which seems so strange coming from me as I was picked on incessantly as a young girl and maturing teenager for my early introduction to puberty and everything that came along with it. All I craved as a young girl were positive comments and compliments. But now, I want to feel the connection that I felt a year ago, where a 10 hour time difference and two oceans didn’t phase me. I want to feel the connection that triggers the soul to respond in such a way that you feel your chakras align. Basically I want to feel like an Alex Gray painting. The connections I’ve made with new friends or new people have felt maybe skin deep, at best, great at first and then shedding as skin does. And now that I thought I met someone with who I could develop a true connection with, that person doesn’t seem to have the space or the time to set an intention with me. And I’m having a very hard time reconciling with, understanding, and sitting with this.

I have connected with myself, deeply, and I’m sure I’m not done. I have steadied my mind and my emotional responses to stress. I have become more assured of my true self. So, now what? I think I’m ready, but I guess I just need to sit with me a little longer, without hope or expectation, and trusting the intentions, the untold promises, of the Universe.

 

 

So few, and yet so so so many words

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.” – First Inaugural Address of Abraham Lincoln, Republican, Eve of the Civil War

How did we get here? How did fighting for party become more important than fighting for country? Watching the Olympics has posed some very interesting parallels to current events. Has anyone else realized that America’s Sweethearts, the “Final Five” of the USA women’s gymnastics team is the perfect representation of our country? Two African Americans, one Hispanic, one Jew, and one Caucasian. Women’s gymnastics is the most-watched event of the Olympic Games. Nearly the entire world with access to a TV or newspaper knows who they are… that’s, like, BILLIONS of people. And you know what people aren’t talking about? What happens to them after the Olympics. After they achieve the highest award in the world’s most physical prestigious events for their country, what happens? What happens to Laurie Hernandez’ family and distant family if Trump gets to build his wall? What happens to Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas (two names, by the way, that don’t sound black, and if you didn’t know their faces you’d probably assume they were white..think about that for a second). Do we feel any pride to uphold the women who have made it their job to create and maintain this positive image of the United States? And what about the US Olympic athlete who was noted for wearing her hijab? Do we stand with her?

Veteran, Olympian, Nobel Laureate. All highly-revered an internationally recognized. All representatives of their country and a collection of their personal achievements.

I don’t care which way you’ve always voted for the last 40 years, or why, or if it’s how you were raised. I don’t intend to accuse people of not using their brains, but dammit, how can so many people just keep on ignoring, placating, or justifying the words and actions from this imbecile? And because I don’t have the words, I’m going to quote from articles I’ve read. This one in particular. Being caucasian has afforded me a lot of opportunity. That is America, or has been since it was colonized some odd 5oo years ago. And I find it so confusing that in one breath hundreds of thousands of people claim to be proud of our “melting pot” heritage and blend of international cultures, but only when the subtext of that melting pot is different shades of white. Irish, English, Welsh, Scottish, German, Belgian, French, Norwegian, Swedish, Finnish, Danish, Swiss, Czech, Yugoslavian, Slovenian, Polish, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Hungarian, Turkish, Austrian, Icelandic, Canadian, Russian, Australian, New Zealander (but definitely NOT native Aboriginal or Maori). And once that skin becomes pigmented to look: Grecian, Italian, Spanish, Mexican, South American, Indian, Israeli, Native American, Middle Eastern, Asian, Polynesian, Indonesian, African.. somehow we become divided. It was put in our minds and carried on by tradition for 1000s of years that this was an important and hierarchical difference. But guess what… we are all people of the same world, we aren’t better than anyone else, we don’t live as anyone else or go through their struggles so how can we possibly judge/qualify/rank their suffering or triumphs against our own? Take away the skin and we are, without a doubt, physiologically the exact same. Same organs, same hormones, same process of conception AND death, same cells, same bones, same muscles. This applies to gender, too, by the way. Take away the reproductive organs and breasts, and a female cadaver looks the same as a male one. So what’s the difference ultimately between boys and girls, whites and everyone else? Nurturing and opportunity. It’s not what we are, it’s what we are taught. It’s not where we are from, it’s how we are perceived. It’s not what we can do, it’s what others think we can do. The whole American ideology “you can be whatever you want to be if you work hard enough!” Well, it’s not exactly a lie but most people have to work a LOT harder – since true caucasians really are the numerical minority in this country. The thing is we have a choice. We all have a choice about every single thing in our lives. We can play into the roles we were born into and continue the traditions and thoughts of victimhood and/or entitlement, oppression and/or opportunity, surviving and/or thriving, objectification and/or equalization. I realize that being white allows me to express these things, to see from the bird’s eye view. Looking up all the time is disheartening. Where’s the top? When do I get out from under all of this? Well it’s not a question of place and time, it’s a question of action. Know this quote,“Be the change you wish to see in the world”? Yea, Mahatma Ghandi said that. If you don’t like your world, change it. How do you change your world? You change yourself. Easy? Hell no. Worth it? Depends. If you think making a change is too hard? Well, that’s fine, but then don’t expect others to to make the changes you want and need to happen for you. Everything we have done and also haven’t done, what we’ve participated in and let slide, has created our current politico-social situation. People are angry, and yet, a majority of us haven’t been paying attention until it’s too late. We want more options and yet don’t create space for other options. We want more diversity of opinion and yet we still haven’t set term limits for crusty old white men making modern day law.. (sorry, that’s my oppressed female talking).

“Yes, we need a multi-party system in America. The two major parties have too much concentrated power, and ballot access needs to be broadened to make third parties more viable. But this will never be accomplished by just voting third party in presidential elections and sitting on our asses for the three and a half years in between. That’s a pretty poor schedule for a long-term people’s movement.

More importantly, this is just not the year for it. It will either be Hillary’s America or Trump’s America next year, and we can’t afford to gloss over the stark differences between those two countries. Third party ballot access and progressive ideological purity are not as important as basic human rights. People of color and Muslims don’t have the luxury of voting their conscience. They are voting for survival, and if we claim to be their allies, we will vote with them.”

We are an amazing country of hundreds of heritages, cultures, and of course opinions. It’s even more amazing because we are allowed to express those opinions without fear of persecution… or we were. Everyone is afraid these days, more afraid of the “what ifs” than ever before. And more than ever before this, “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side.” Quoting Yoda may be corny, but fear and anger are the two most poisonous emotions that blind our judgement. What I feel we should remind ourselves every day is: Never go to bed angry, and never make decisions based on fear or anger. If you weren’t fearful or afraid, how would your daily decision-making be different? Living, thinking, and being in fear doesn’t create anything positive, it doesn’t make the changes you need or want. Life isn’t all Hell, fire, and brimstone, and the loudest voice in the room isn’t always the correct one, just as it is not a quality of leadership. What did that one guy say? Oh yea, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,”  Teddy Roosevelt. He was a Republican and was inspired by this West African proverb to describe his style of foreign policy.

Like I said, so few and yet so so so many words.

 

 

 

Standing with an Army

God where do I begin? May was a crazy month. Business came to a standstill, I had to get creative with new ways to reach clients, which is definitely a good thing, then I had my busiest week of clients in the last week of the month and I still have one more tomorrow, also all great things. While things were slow the family came into town for my brother’s college graduation, also super cool. I’m so proud of him and his assuredness about his place in the present moment. I wish I’d had that at his age. Also around this time in early May,you decided it would be a good idea to reach out to me and tell me you were in town. And instead of standing my ground and asking you why you thought that was necessary to do, I chose the passive aggressive route and dodged engaging with your attempt at conversation after months of total AWOL radio silence. Anyone who knows that story and knew you reached out have all said the same thing: how brave I was to not engage and reconnect and how much that showed I had grown. But I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel like I’ve grown. I feel like I put the final nail in the coffin and that coffin is also my heart. I feel free but I also feel like I’ve clipped the heart strings that make me flutter and fly. This is what alone really is. And it just hit me a few moments ago how this is also the first time I actually don’t know anyone in a country that I’m traveling to solo. I’m not meeting anyone, I don’t have a connection to anyone I know personally or through a friend of a friend. I went to buy my rail passes and there were so many options it started to freak me out. Which one is best? How can I get them cheaper? Should I have looked into this sooner? What if I need more than 4 days? Will it be “easy” to get from the airport to the right train? Will I get mugged? What if I lose everything? What if I get lost and can’t communicate? I’m totally independent on this adventure, no side kick or travel companion to bounce ideas around or collaborate with. Absolutely terrifying. I don’t even want to pack. Who am I??? I love packing for trips. This one is very different though. This one is big. And because I’m alone it’s making me feel incredibly nostalgic, from my recent trips to Bali/Dubai to years ago to Mexico and Iceland, even my move to Colorado from California. We were connected for 4 of those 5 experiences. And without you in my life for this it feels very real that you’re gone, and there are few worse things, I feel, than grieving the loss of a person who is very much still alive. I have no doubt I’ll meet wonderful people in Spain, that I’ll make long-lasting connections with at least one person, that I’ll create and be a part of something truly special that I don’t have to share with anyone other than myself. But that’s also kind of boring. What’s the point in living this awesome, amazing, beautiful life if you can’t share it with someone? I live for me every single day and I wouldn’t change one thing. But when it comes to experiences like the one I’m about to have, it just reminds me how small and insignificant all of this really is. However, I feel less small standing next to someone who’s holding my hand and taking it all in with me, even in my 5’2″ stature. This is very hard for me to grapple with, obviously. Nothing like a small panic attack less than 36 hours before my flight, right? ugh.

…Jesus take the wheel and just get me on the plane.

30/30

Today would have marked the 30 days of inspirational quotes and daily writing I prescribed to myself had I completed the task. But I barely made it two weeks and even in those two weeks there was more than one occasion where multiple days strung together and I didn’t write at all. But I will say in the last 17 days have been full of life: my brother graduating college and family visiting, traveling to Las Vegas to spend quality time with the grandparents, catching up with friends and brainstorming business ideas, and of course mentally preparing for Spain. Oh, yea, and then the mildly distracting thought of a certain person being in town that makes me itch like a horrible mosquito bite  I physically cannot reach to scratch, and even if I could reach it, scratching it would only make it that much worse. And since they’ve been home the agony has grown, not lessened. I fill my days with distractions, and I really thought I was doing ok but apparently I’m not much better than I was two months ago. It’s humbling, no doubt.

Anyways, I have been thinking about not writing, how I’ve missed it. I spent the day creating; coloring in my mendhi book, writing my business newsletter, catching up with a friend abroad, and now I’m here. It feels to good to be back, although I didn’t plan this well and now that I’ve kept myself up past 1am it’s time to go to sleep. Will write more then.

13/30

There’s not one cell in your body today that was there seven years ago. Yet you can remember being there seven years ago.

Well that’s trippy! I recently learned about something called cellular memory. Just as cells reproduce and replace themselves constantly, in the process they pass down “memories”. Cellular replication is necessary for healing injured tissue and also keeping healthy tissues healthy. The body is constantly ridding itself of metabolically exhausted pieces so that it can keep functioning. Cells don’t have the same access to emotions, though, like our frontal cortex does. What emotions we attach to traumas- physical,emotional,mental- become downloaded. The more severe the trauma, the more easily we can have an adverse, and sometimes automatic response to triggers that remind our body of the trauma (PTSD). I sustained a fairly mild concussion about 6 years ago; someone fell on me and my head hit the pavement. About two weeks after that incident I hit my toe-edge snowboarding and threw my arm out to protect my head, and even though I was already wearing a helmet, my body knew that I needed to protect myself from the fall as much as possible. I haven’t been able to snowboard since; actually, I haven’t been able to go down a hill of any kind at a high rate of speed where I feel really unbalanced since. I’d say that most if not all of the cells involved in the initial physical trauma have been restored. But I still remember the feeling of falling and what happened after, and when I’m in that moment of unbalance my anxiety spikes. Anxiety is linked to a flight or fight response which is part of the sympathetic autonomic nervous system, which is controlled by the hormones epinephrine and norepinephrine. Hormones operate at the cellular level. But if all of my cells are new, the response should get less over time, right? Sometimes that does work, but sometimes people experience intense and visceral reactions to triggers from events that happened decades before. Ok, so now what. Our cells pass down information that is kept within the body that we only know is there when we respond automatically to a trigger that may seem benign from the outside. (i.e. remember when you drank too much vodka in college and now when you smell it you get nauseous? Cellular memory. Every time you hear the song that was playing the minute you felt yourself fall in love for the first time and it makes you unbelievably sad? Cellular memory.) So! How do we replace the negative cellular memories with positive ones. How do we harness, control and then change our “automatic responses”? I think first we have to grapple with the notion that our experiences don’t make us; it’s our reactions to and perceptions of those experiences that define the experience. Our physical body, down to the cells, are just vessels that carry our spirit through this life as safely as possible, hopefully. Once we accept this, we can start to let go of the emotions we have tied to our experiences, our memories. Emotions have energy, but energy is not emotion. Release the emotion, and you free the energy attached to that emotion, to that cellular memory. We can free the body of its negative cellular memories through this process. And once all of our negative cellular memories have been removed, we will be that much closer to our true spiritual nature, unbiased and unconditional love.

11 & 12/30

Combo entry because yesterday I was too busy having fun 🙂 Not a bad excuse I don’t think. Side note- the twitching in the corner of my left eye can stop at any time, really.

I came across this Buddha quote, “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” And with all of the free time I’ve had lately, I’ve been given an opportunity to really practice my letting go of expectation and worry which helps me stay rooted in the present moment. I could have 5 people text me in the next 5 minutes for appointments, and then just like that I’m booked for the rest of the week. I find that staying in that space is far more productive than the worrying space where I can get myself worked up about how I’m going to pay rent and bills and all the things that need to be taken care of. Staying in the present space allows me to enjoy what’s going on around me. When I worry I disconnect from everyone around me. It’s not fun! Worrying leads to stress, stress leads to illness, illness leads to me not being able to work. So why worry? I cannot control people not wanting to book a massage or not sign up for my stretch class, I can only control my responses to the Universe. Ok, so I’m not busy right now. What else can I be doing to promote? What do I need to change? Would I prefer to be working right now, yes of course, but instead I’m sitting at home on this cold, snowy Spring day in Colorado with my furry companion by my side while roasting avocado seeds to grind up and put in my smoothies! So right there I’ve already taken my time today to take care of my body and my mind. Feeling good already. Actually, I’ve done a lot this week to do that… I received an Ashiatsu massage, I’ve had wonderful brainstorming sessions with colleagues, I’ve networked with new bodyworkers, I tried a new dance style, I deep cleaned and reorganized my kitchen, I’ve made a plan to do some DIY crafting this weekend, I’ve laughed with friends. Overall I’ve felt myself be deeply connected to my life and it feels amazing, even though I’m not working. Although I really do need to see an increase in business soon or I’ll have to start looking at beer-tending jobs again… so, focusing my energy on that!! Go-go-gadget Universe, thank you for bringing me clients and financial abundance!!

I write about this a lot but it doesn’t stop it from being true: “An epiphany is not an obligation. It’s an invitation.” Elizabeth Gilbert said this. She truly is an amazing author. Her memoir Eat Pray Love was the first book to make me laugh out loud and also cry while reading. Her story and way of telling it deeply, and truly, moved me. She’s doing a talk here on May 5, but my family will be in town then and I’m torn as to whether or not to go! I guess I could save the $40 that I would spend on the ticket but stiiilllll…anyways…

My idea to go to massage school was an epiphany, as was my move to Denver, going to Iceland, learning more about spiritual and energy work, my upcoming trip to Spain. The Universe does not punish us, that’s a human condition. But the Universe does present us with opportunities in the form of epiphanies, obstacles, people that cross our path. Each of these scenarios offer something to us, something to learn, something to help carve our path. In hindsight we sometimes look at certain scenarios to be “missed opportunities” but were they really? When similar situations/opportunities/epiphanies/obstacles keep coming up that’s usually the perfect time to evaluate what’s going on in our lives. These events, no matter how difficult or painful, really do invite positive change, to keep carving our path in the way that best suits us both in the present and for the future. If you think you missed it the first time I guarantee it will come around again, but maybe that’s also part of your perception. The coulda-woulda-shoulda mentality doesn’t really serve any purpose but give us a reason for self-loathing. I promise here and now to never invite myself to a pity party again! What I once may have considered a missed opportunity I see now as something I avoided because I didn’t need it, or maybe I needed something else more at that time. I trust that if I do need it that Life will regift it to me, probably in different packaging, but still the same contents. In order to stay focused on the present moment, I like to see myself as the highest guest of honor in my life; my needs must come first every single day if I am to present my best self to my friends and clients and my business. If I can do that, I can be open to receiving whatever invitations come in the mail.